Feel threatened? Before you react, do nothing.

We respond to aggression quickly and impulsively. But often, we have time. And we should take it.

Photo by Pete Nuij on Unsplash

A woman I know just got a text from her ex. An ugly text. He did not see the breakup coming, did not expect her to abruptly move out, did not anticipate being left in the lurch. “You did me wrong,” he texted, “so now I will destroy you.”

Destroy.

Cortisol is running through her. What will he do? What should she fear? How can she stop him? She believes it all hangs on the perfect response, and that her response should happen now. Her next move could calm or enrage him. It could deter him or urge him on. She can’t wait to act, or she will miss her opportunity to right the ship. And she’s asking me advice on what to say.

I relate. Years ago, an ex of mine, weeks after telling me “I’m surprised no one has murdered you yet,” threatened to break into my house. My nervous system was shot for weeks.

You likely also relate. The hostile missive you’ve received may not have been as frightening, but I bet it was unnerving. Instead of coming from an ex, it may have come f…